When Life Gives You Lemons Just Move …Again

I don’t even know where to begin this post, but I will warn you it’s long. I’ll at least try to humor you through it, because this has to all be a huge joke.  It’s to the point that I’m waiting and wondering what the next crazy thing in our life will be. If you follow me on Instagram I’m sure you’ve been wondering what happened (or maybe not, let’s be real I’m writing this more for my future self than anything). So here it goes- We technically got evicted, but we knew it was coming. 

Cue the questions.

Let me get everyone up to speed. So we were buying a house from, let’s call them The Smiths. When we initially met Mrs. Smith it was at a random open house that we just decided to go to with no intention of buying the home because it was the first one we were seeing. During our visit, she showed some cards and we saw she REALLY wanted someone to buy the house ASAP. At the time we hadn’t met with our AMAZING realtor Stacy yet, so we didn’t really have price ranges or anything in our head. When we learned the price of this home we assumed it was out of our range so we moved on.

Fast forward to a couple of days later, our realtor took us back to the home and said that it was the perfect home for us. Based on the homes we had seen and what we had been approved for, we agreed that it was and decided to make an offer. We were so pumped! It was going to be our first real home! We were growing up! YAY ADULTING!

The Smiths accepted the offer and we were set to close … on the day that Hurricane Florence hit – so obviously we didn’t close. As you may have read in some of my previous posts, we needed to move out of our original rental because the new tenants were coming in, so The Smiths were so kind and allowed us to do what is called a Buyer Possession of the home. In simple people terms, we were allowed to move into the home we were buying and basically rent it from them until closing could happen. Again, we were pumped!

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To our knowledge the home had survived a REALLY bad hurricane which to us seemed like such a good omen. So we moved in and were waiting on info for the next closing date. The hold up was that the detached garage had a tree land on it and that needed to be repaired before we could close. There was also a tree that was about to fall and we wanted that cut down so it didn’t damage the neighbor’s shed. Both were minor repairs compared to the rest of the area, so it took a very long time for someone to come out and assess damages, because to the eye everything looked kosher. But ohhhh man were we wrong.

On our first wedding anniversary, like some sick joke, we arrived back from the gym to a very stressed out insurance adjuster on our roof. The man frantically climbed down and said he was the adjuster for The Smiths and then in more or less words said that the house was in REALLY bad shape. The dude was quite literally freaking out and was so stressed about telling Mrs. Smith. So what did I do? I looked at Drew and laughed. What else was I going to do? 

A couple of days later we hear that The Smiths are going to come down and look at the home with their moisture meter. They arrive and my husband said that the whole meeting went well. They saw the damages that the inspector saw and said they were going to do everything to make the home right for us. So we thought we were in the clear. We thought we might get a new kitchen and a new bathroom out of it! Everything was saying that the walls were highly damaged inside and that we could assume mold was growing.

Side note: The day we moved in I told Drew that being in the home I was really sniffly and congested, but when I left I was fine. I was questioning if there was mold or moisture in the walls from the storm. Well I was right, the walls were reading 100% moisture A MONTH after the storm. I got the inkling that it had to be a lot of mold or moisture because I’m not sensitive to mold/allergies, but when you have a storm like that no one is safe from congestion.

Anyway, during their meeting The Smiths say that a contractor is going to come out on Monday (two days later) to assess the home and quote the damages. I receive a call from Drew, while he is standing there with The Smiths, saying that I need to be home Monday to go thru the house with them. I say cool and that was that. 

Monday comes around, I’m writing a blog post and their realtor arrives first. We’re going to call her Becky because that name suits her better. She INSTANTLY throws out attitude and starts talking to me in a condescending way like I’m a child.

Basically a Direct Quote:

“Well, we’re going to need some private time to go through your home, so I need you to go ahead and pack up and leave for a few hours.” – Bitchy Becky

If you know me, you KNOW that my sassy, equally as bitchy, Colombian side came out REAL QUICK, but in like a let’s-play-nice-but-still-be-a-bitch way. My response was something along the lines of, “I was told I needed to be here to go through the house, and I restructured my whole morning just to wait for you. The Smiths know I’m going to be here.” Well, Becky is good at being a bitch and obviously had practiced her words, threw Stacy under the bus, and said I had to leave. Wow, Becky that was an Oscar winning performance with such great teamwork!  *Biggest Eyeroll Ever*

Either way, I really just didn’t have the patience or ability to keep being nice, so I left but made sure she knew I was pissed. Also, I didn’t want confrontation and I didn’t know if there were legal ramifications or something, because let’s be honest, I’ve been winging this whole house buying thing.

Fast forward to a few days later, we receive the report from the contractor and it was quite concerning. Not in a wow our house is really damaged way, but in a this is quite literally the opposite of what Mr. Insurance Adjuster said way. It quoted our damages to be around 1700$ which is NOTHING. It said only 5 walls were damaged and that they weren’t 100% saturated. It also said repairs were only going to take a week. The report was 2 paragraphs of Becky BS.

Things got VERY fishy very quickly. I’d really LOVEEE for someone to tell me how all of my walls were 100% wet on Monday a month after Florence, then they were still 100% that Saturday, but then magically on Monday only 5 walls were “40-80%” wet. I don’t buy it. So Drew and I start asking questions to everyone we know. Everyone agreed that something wasn’t right, and that either way we shouldn’t buy the home especially with the mold situation.

Pro Tip- No insurance covers mold. Mold grows at around 55% moisture or more. AKA we definitely would have mold. Man my nose is good.

So that was it for us. No new homebuyer would buy a home that will for sure have mold in it. Also, why would we take that gamble? What would happen if they opened the walls and it was truly bad like the adjuster said? Would a week turn into more than a month of repairs? Would we not be able to live there? Where would we go? Everything is booked for months because of displaced families. Either way we were going to be displaced for a week because they advised that the home be vacant during repairs for safety. All things we did not sign up for or agree to. Neither of us have time for that and we never know if or when he could be deployed so it was just not practical to us. We were getting out.

Now we didn’t realize this until after the fact, but let me bring some light to this situation. An insurance adjuster isn’t going to want damages to be bad because they have to pay for them. That dude straight up told us it was going to be a lot of money. He has nothing to gain from telling us that. A contractor is going to want damages to be high so that they get paid (that sounds awful, but hey people have to put food on their tables too). Well, we went to the contractor to ask a few questions about the report and the man who signed the report wasn’t in. We learned he was the Head Honcho of the company from some of the bottom of the totem pole workers. So Drew asks them some basic questions about moisture and the discrepancies between the insurance adjuster moisture readings, The Smith’s readings, and their boss’ readings. Instantly, they say the readings wouldn’t be that different that quickly, and that sometimes Head Honcho signs reports that he didn’t do. Uh oh, did we just learn some useful info?! 

This little tip reminded Drew that The Smiths had said their friend was coming to look at the home. BY GEORGE I THINK SHE’S GOT IT! The flood gates have opened. Please tell me, how did they get a contractor to come out on such short notice when NO ONE in town can get people right now? It was their friend DUH! And how were the damages in the report so low?? Because I’m sure they got their friend to write the report in a way that benefits them. Now, I’m just speculating obviously because I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, but come on. We all of a sudden weren’t allowed to be there for the inspection and then the report comes back in a way that 1. Doesn’t benefit us 2. Benefits them and leads to a sooner closing date.

I should also add, remember how I said she was really desperate to sell her home? Yea, now we know why. They HAVE to know that it was not worth what they were listing it for, and HAVE to know that it was quite damaged even before the storm. Since the hurricane they were still pushing to close and even attempted to try to close without damages being fixed, but they would give us a check to get the repairs done. All fishy. 

Now full disclosure we did really love this home, but as time went by things started warping, lights were flickering (which we assume is from moisture), the home shook when 30 lb Mahi trotted around, all bad signs – AND I SAGED THE HOME!

Another side note: I was telling my friend that I think I saged wrong because more bad things were happening. She devil’s advocated like a champ and said, “well what if you didn’t sage and then you closed on this home? Saging brought to light all the bad and led you to not buying the home.” Damn she’s good. Shoutout to @ItsEmilyOrourke . ALSO super fun fact, Drew was finding coins EVERYWHERE in that house, to the point he thought it was so weird. Well, he looked it up (and I don’t know where he found it), and he isn’t one to believe this stuff, but it supposedly means that spirits are trying to send you a message to be aware or that they’re trying to get your attention. WOOOO SPOOOOKY – fitting since we moved out on Halloween- thanks spirits. 

AWH MAN I ruined the end of the story! Jk- it gets WAY more interesting and assholey. Speaking of assholes, through all of this mayhem Tuna’s anal glands were all red and irritated, which I guessed caused him to throw up a bunch, which we obviously had so much time for. I just gave him pumpkin and prayed he would survive/get over it until we could deal with it. Sorry Tuna, glad your butt is fine and it wasn’t anything major.

SO we meet with Stacy, list our concerns, and she cuts us off and says, “we’re done with it,” opens her computer and says, “what homes would you like me to take you to see?” Wow ok I guess it’s that easy? Stacy girl you’ve got it going on!

Ok so, we found a home that day that was way better and everything we wanted. It was also guaranteed no severe damages from the storm, but we will obviously still get our own inspection. We’re set to close on Nov 27! Wahoo. 

Not quite. We still have to deal with Moldy Mansion. 

Stacy speaks with everyone on the legal side and learns we’re good to terminate Moldy Mansion, but that The Smiths might get pissed and charge us 100$/day until we vacate (like our agreement says) or they might be understanding and let us pay the rent and stay for the 27 days until we close. 

Let’s take a poll – What do you think happened?

A. They were the most gracious and kind humans and allowed us to pay rent and stay until Nov 27 because they are Godly humans and just get it and have an infant to support meaning they wouldn’t want to pay two mortgages (their home out of state and this Moldly Mansion), plus the costs of maintaining Moldy Mansion. 

B. They obviously listened to Bitchy Becky’s advice and instantly kicked us out and attempted to rack up stuff we needed to pay for AND even tried to say legally we accepted the damages of the home by moving into it, so we legally couldn’t terminate, but the legal team is on our side and shot them down real quickly. 

If you answered A: KEEP UP SALLY THIS POST TITLE LITERALLY GIVES YOU THE ANSWER. CONTEXT CLUES.

If you answered B: Great detective work Tex. You really worked hard to figure that one out. Nice job.

So yes, The Smiths got real heated and we received a cute message that basically said, “Get out by Oct 31. 100$/day starts now.” I get that they’re mad, but you cannot make someone buy your home. It just doesn’t work that way. The fun part is we didn’t get definitive answers until Monday, Halloween was on a Wednesday. hahaha ugh our life is so funny.

We began frantically packing and searching for places to live and store stuff and obviously that wasn’t working since everything is booked right now. Thankfully we have amazing humans in our life. My boss said we could store stuff in her garage if need be, we had friends offer to house us (but we have dogs and wouldn’t want to impose), and even our crossfit gym offered us storage space. Well, that storage space was an actual storage unit that was HUGE and free (seriously so thankful for these humans). Find Storage- CHECK!

Next mission: Find Home: Finally, on Tuesday NIGHT one of my messages to an airBNB owner worked and a kind gracious woman (unlike Becky and The Smiths) said she would allow us to stay in her OCEANFRONT BEACH HOUSE for 1000$. Win. Less than rent AND WE’RE AT THE BEACH. TAKE THAT BECKY.

I’m trying to keep this part brief, but there are tons of details here because obviously we aren’t done with Becky. Moving was a huge mess and took all day on Halloween even with wonderful help, but we weren’t stressed…until Becky got involved. We get a call that we need to turn keys in by 5pm, write a check for the 100$ a day, and for cleaning services. K Becky, few points I have to make.

1. Last time I checked the DAY that we paid for ends at 11:59 pm. You didn’t state that we needed to be out by 5pm, so you can go ahead and sit back down. It’s not like you’re going to be coming to the house at midnight to check that we’re gone. Relax.  
2. Aren’t The Smiths getting repairs done? Why in the HELL would I pay for cleaning when the house is about to be destroyed? Oh right, because you all are ugly and are trying to nickel and dime us. Well, let me tell you what. We will pay 150$ for cleaning and that’s it because we don’t want an argument, BUT we could EASILY say you owe us for cleaning out all of The Smiths crap out of their garage and cabinets. And don’t try to say that The Smiths said we could keep whatever we wanted in there, there was nothing to keep it was all trash or broken things and they knew that. No integrity ass holes. ugh. 

So while Becky was removing the stick from her ass, we finished packing up and dropped the keys off with a kind human on her team who, “didn’t know what Becky’s deal was.” Whatever we were done with that Moldy Mansion. 

I have to pause and give ourselves a pat on the back because we (I) were (was) able to fit our whole house in the storage unit that someone, I won’t name (Drew), doubted was big enough for it all. It’s called TETRIS MASTER. Or stubbornness. Who cares it all fit in one place and it’s going to be a mess getting it out in a month, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Now, we thought we were done with Becky, we’re not. There’s no way. She got irritated at me because I checked the mail yesterday and brought her The Smith’s important package. Gosh I’m just such an annoying and considerate asshole by burdening her with my presence, but saved her a trip over there. *HUGE EYE ROLL ACCOMPANIED BY ANNOYED GROAN*

She for sure will find something to say or charge us for and when that happens I might actually call her Bitchy Becky on accident haha. At this point I have to just sit on this porch and listen to the waves roll on and wait for her to try and ruin our lives again, but honestly I have something really important to say to her. 

Dear Bitchy Becky,

Thank you so much for ruining the sale for The Smiths. I’m sure they don’t know that it is mostly your fault, but if they do I’m sure they are not appreciative of it. Had they been understanding, they would’ve gotten rent, our due diligence, and probably some extra money because we would’ve been so grateful that they allowed us to stay, but instead of getting a good chunk of money, they only got around 600$ all thanks to you. Great job girl! If you hadn’t kicked me out of my own home that day we might’ve actually gone through with the sale of this home. That means we would have made a HUGE financial mistake. So again, thank you for saving us a huge headache. I apologize that you have such an unfortunate personality, but am grateful for it in this instance. Hope you find someone else to trick into buying this home. 

xoxo

Wing It Wife Living Her Best Life on the Deck of an Oceanfront Beach Home for the Next Month

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Things are looking up from here for us. At least I hope. For those of you keeping count, this will be our 7th move since we’ve been together, 4th this year haha. AKA if you need me I’ll be at the beach with my pups who are loving their live! Stay tuned to see how moving into our actual home goes. Instagram is a great place to keep up with our life antics! If you made it this far, thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.

-D